the boy

the butterfly feeling.
the jelly brain syndrome while trying to be professional.
the unexplainable smile when sitting in silence.
the need to make up situations in your head.
the room pacing. dancing.
the need to talk about him.
the near death experience on the arrival of a new message.
the ridiculous hours in the morning.
the abnormally loud singing of songs in public.
the outbursts of squeels.
the unnecessary re-reading of messages.
the copious amount of time spent each day, daydreaming. not complaining that you've wasted your time. because infact you haven't.
the love that's insane.
& the random blog that starts and ends with no particular point along with a deep apology for the poor people who are now minutes closer to their end having read this.

ahh the boy.

Flopping hormones..

Yes. Hormones.
Those wonderful little critters that sprint around our bodies causing us to be perfectly sane and together one moment, and then the next be in tears questioning your own personal sanity and other such topics.

I'm not a wizz when it comes to understanding the body but I just figured out how to decode what the heck happens to me when I find myself alone.

First of all I recognize that I am alone. Genius. But not great.
Secondly, the realization of being alone somehow makes my mind go wild and let thoughts wander, that I previously would have been able to ignore due to human interaction.
Which then leads to over analyzing those thoughts and finally throws me into an emo-coma.. GREAT!!

Now how do I get myself out of this?
Easy fixed.
Sit in silence.
Let those tears flow right on out.
Have a bit of a sob into the pillow.
Lie on a bed perfectly still.
Staring at the roof, grab your ipod.
Listen to some sweet tunes preferably by Alexi Murdoch or even City & Colour.
and. fall. asleep.

Plan. Great.

But these feelings don't have a place in this otherwise busy world.
Things to do. People to save. Futures to plan. Fun to have. Songs to sing. Smiles to be had

Thus, I must say: "Hormones, your actions and their consequenses eventually provide for interesting conversations, however, in this moment.. I unfortunately do not appreciate your existence on this earth. All the best for your future endeavors. Hollie soon-to-be-not-so-emotional Agnew"

Seattle you have one Graceful Hospital..

My Dearest Friends,

What an awfully long time it has been since I have loved you through the world of blogging goodness!! To be honest I'm not full of great reasons why it has been this long.. so I won't delve into that lame topic. However I will dive head first into this one.. A topic that is a little bit softer than those I could talk about seeing as though it has been months since we have communicated! hence my topic choice..

Grey's Anatomy.

NO don't stop reading.. I need to share my mind with you.. So here I go..

I am obsessed.. beyond obsessed. I will admit that I was not on the band wagon from the start however I am making it my new mission in life to get up to speed, but I don't know how I will cope when I have to wait a whole week between episodes. Some times I race the remote between episodes. None of this credits rubbish. None of the blue and black side on portraits of the beautiful, beautiful characters.. just give me MORE..

Much more Mc Dreamy, more Kelly and her hot lips, more George and his big eyes and beautiful little heart, more of Yang and her ridiculous/unique approach on life, more of Stephens and her over the top, drama queeness.. not a whole lot more of Grey and her slightly annoying voice.. and look I won't like.. Mc Steamy.. doesn't quite do it for me.. but heck, Alex.. more of you and your.. skills.

I dont know what it is exactly that has got me to this point of obsession, however I do know that I have woken up, numerous times, midway through dreaming, being part of the cast.. and loving life.. Maybe its something about 'togetherness' that has hooked me in.. I feel like I am a part of this show. HOW RIDICULOUS.. but ashamed to admit it.. I find myself spending more time with these people than people that exist in my life..

But, to my defence.. Everyone is so BUSY these days.. myself included.. work, uni, boyfriends, girlfriends, footy, parties, homework.. blah blah blah. It's just a strange feeling, being a little lost and out of place.. feeling like you don't know much about people you once knew so well.. and only really knowing a few people.. It's kind of sad.. maybe its just me.. But it's got me thinking thats for sure..

Not to worry mum, I do have friends. I just miss them, that's all..
This is a problem that I am willing to rectify as soon as possible..

Having said that.. I shall leave..
x

ahh, the cleaning of spring..

Oh my goodness.. is there anything better than a ridiculously clean room?.. the answer is 'Yeah, actually I can think of a fair few things..' ok.. well, today I'm going to pretend that I don't agree with that answer.. there is nothing better.. coz LOOK!!! SOOO CLEAN!!



So.. I spent majority of this glorious day cleaning up my stinking room.. from about 12 till about 30 minutes ago.. no lies.. while the sun was shining out my window.. and the birds were chirping away.. I closed my blinds, turned up my music and didnt let myself get distracted by the amazing things around me that had nothing to do with going through piles of clothes, rubbish, boxes of unnecessary crap and tripping over things that reminded me of good times..

Sitting down at my clean desk.. I look around.. and its all different.. everythings been moved around.. I've thrown things that i dont need out.. I've put things into better places.. I've made room for new things.. I've left a great big bit of empty space (for dancing.. shh).. and I'm loving it..

I cant even explain how it makes me feel.. its almost as if its a massive encouraging nudge for me to get on with changing my life.. the things i know i need to deal with, to get going with putting what I know I need to do into action..

I need to actually sit down or kneel, stand, lay, jump or whatever and take that step toward getting rid of that worry.. to get rid of that constant heart ache.. to come to terms with that thing.. to let go of that pain.. to step up in that area and to grow up in the other.. to let it be over here and take a stand over there..

And once I do that?!.. I will have so much empty space.. space to live the life I've been wanting to live and space to love where I struggle to love.. space to do what God needs me to do.. space to dance, with the one who has been waiting so long for me to dance with Him..

But how do I just give it all over? That's something I'm still working on.. and struggling.. Knowing me.. I'm looking for this one thing in the totally wrong room.. if you know how.. PLEASE, let me know..

Until then.. I'll keep looking..
x

..just reminder for Sammi

Ahhh the celebrations!
The good old date that comes around once a year when you get all the attention you want.. when you have the right to say to someone 'Shutup, dont be mean to me.. its my birthday!' or 'Hey! can you go get me a drink!? Its my birthday!..', 'I'm not emptying the dishwasher.. its my birthday!'.. and so the list goes on.
and on.
and on.. :)

Having said that.. It's one of my best friends 20th birthday today!.. Miss Samantha Maree McIver.. Which got me thinking.. along the lines of.. why do YOU (the birthday person) get so excited about YOUR birthday.. Birthdays are a celebration of the birth of someone.. WE (the non birthday people) should be the ones getting flipping excited because we scored having that person in our lives!.. and for me.. today thats how im feeling.. ridiculously excited to have a best friend like Sammi..

I've lost a few friends along the way. Being in a loss of contact/growing apart sort of way as well as loosing someone, forever, in a physical prescence kind of way.. And although they don't really compare.. Both of them arent fun.. and thinking about that makes me SOOOO ridiculously greatful for the ones I do have.. Sam being one of them!!

It just looks so lame when you read it.. if only i could explain it better.. maybe my point would get across..

I am so excited today about this spunks birthday!.. Because it just reinforces how flipping lucky I am to have amazing people like her just a phone call away. She is such an encouraging, loving, stong, obedient, stunning, amazing, kind, caring, fun and BEAUTIFUL person with the most amazingly big heart. She has been there for me in some of the hardest times in my life and I will FOREVER be SO greatful for that.

I think my lesson for today is to make sure people like this, know how much I love them.. coz life is unpredictable.. and maybe one day it will be too late to let them know.. (I'm not meaning to say that in a morbid kind of way, haha..)

Happy Birthday Sammi. I cant even explain how much you mean to me.
YOUR THE BEST.
YOUR THE BEST! :D
Lets spend so many spontaneous nights and crazy mornings together! until forever. I love you woman! :)


Thats all for now..
xx

Sun.. I welcome you. With open arms..

Why does everything seem to make more sense, seem to be more reachable and ok when in the sun? OK, so maybe its just me.. But it was a great way to spend my afternoon I'll give it that much.. For me, its almost like when i am in the sun I am so surrounded and smothered with God. His absolute real love and its overwhelming..

Deciding to leave Uni early seemed to be a good choice at the time.. but once i got home, put my doona out on the decking, grabbed my sunnies, a glass of juice, my ipod, computer and a Rob Bell sermon.. I was bound for a fabulous afternoon.. surrounded by UV rays! (skin cancer being the down point.. of course) my 'good' choice soon turned into a 'GREAT' one!

This made me appreciate all the good things.. GREAT things God gave me in that moment in time.. which then makes me think of all the things God put in front of me that I dont even take notice of..

I never appreciate things while I have them.. ok so, maybe I stole that line from my buddy Mr. Josh Pyke.. :) he says at the end of one of his songs - Middle of the Hill.. 'I dont pay enough to the good things when I've got them' and me, being me.. was like "GOOD POINT JOSHUA!! NEITHER DO I!".. speaking out aloud in a raised voice of course.. scaring the dogs sunbaking along side me.. haha.

But its too true. How often to we go by life, loving something in that moment.. and forgetting to thank the one who put that in our line of vision or in our hand.. or just in our day in general.. EVERYDAY! Constantly.. well for me anyway..

I am going to make it my personal mission to be consciously aware the things put into my life every single day that I need to always give thanks for. Sure, I'm going to miss 1000's of things everyday.. But hey.. Let the game begin!!

Now go frolic in the last hour or so of sunshine for the day.
Preferably listening to 'Defying Gravity' from the Wicked soundtrack.. That would have to the the song of the day today!! just a good floppin song!!
xx

Mr. Josh Pyke.. you've got it to a T.

..And nothing breaks the heart much more than looking at old photographs. When you can taste the moment, and worse still, if it's passed. They're gone now to the future, but you still can't deny them, like a song that's sung. What i fear is that all of these things I hold dear, never become more than vibrations in air..

Little bit like what i would imagine a chapter would read like in the story of my life..!?

Just makes me think about how much a take for granted. Friends. Family. Situations. Opportunities. Moments. Days. Nights. And as much as I wish, so badly that I could carry around a camera 24/7, taking photos of everything so that those moments would never be forgotten.. I think that, in a way it would make hard times harder..

I look back at photos of things/people I miss, and at the moment.. it doesnt make missing them any easier.. It doesnt bring back and let me relive that moment in time when everything seemed so easy and fun..

On the other hand.. it excites me for the moments to come.. the photos from the good times coming that I'll be putting up on my wall and making a new folder for, so I can look back at them when i need a smile, giggle and a good memory to think about..

I have a terrible memory to begin with.. i mean TERRIBLE, and it actually upsets me.. because I like to think that if something awful was to happen, then i can always flick through the file in my memory to whip out the card that reminds me of 'that time'.. maybe i just need to increase my Omega 3!? :)

Well, thats enough sooking for tonight..
x